Happy

I want to thank the ones in my life that have comforted me, and prayed for me these past few weeks.  I really appreciate it.

On a happy note, I wanted to blog about my baby girl.  About how happy she is.  Isn’t it amazing how joyous children are?  For no rhyme or reason.  Just because.  The other day Faith and I went grocery shopping.  It was chilly out.  As I grabbed her up out of the car seat, she was already smiling and squirming in my arms.  She pulled her knees up to her chest as I held her closely.  I said, “It’s chilly out isn’t it.  Do you hear the birdies?”  She buried her face in my chest, and I could actually feel her smiling.  Joy.  Profound happiness.  Just because.

I wish wholeheartedly that adults could still feel this joy.  This type of joy only comes from innocence.  A blind trust in the world you live in. What an amazing world it would be if only we could truly trust one another, and most importantly, have full faith and trust in our Heavenly Father to care for us.

 

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On the morning of February 18 I took a pregnancy test.    My period was about a week late.   The test was positive.   I was about 4 to 5 weeks pregnant.

On the morning of February 19 I started spotting – briefly, for less than an hour, and then it stopped.  I called the doctor.  They wanted me to come in right away to take a blood test, and check the HCG levels in my blood.   HCG was 19.  They wanted me back in 48 hours to take another blood test, to make sure that my HCG numbers were doubling.  If the HCG numbers double, this means that my pregnancy is progressing normally and everything is fine.

On the morning of February 21 I went back for another blood test.  HCG level was only 22.   They wanted me to get more blood drawn in 48 hours.

On the morning of February 23 I went back for another blood test.  HCG level was 15.

This morning I began spotting again, and I have some mild cramping.  I called the doctor and asked, “Is it possible maybe I wasn’t even pregnant?  These past few months my menstrual periods have been sort of wacky.  Maybe my hormones are just out of balance?”   She said, “You were definitely pregnant.”   Hearing those words stung me.  Part of me wanted to believe I wasn’t even pregnant.  That would be easier to deal with.

I’m sorry to say that I am miscarrying right now.

I didn’t want to say anything to anyone when I took my first pregnancy test because the line indicating a positive pregnancy was very faint, and I wanted to be sure.  Then, I started spotting so I didn’t want anyone to worry until I knew for sure what was going on.

The doctor wants me back on Friday to take one more blood test to make sure the HCG levels are still lowering.  If the levels don’t lower to zero, this could indicate an incomplete miscarriage, and I would have to have a D&C.   I have a follow-up appointment to speak with my doctor on Monday, March 3.

I didn’t think I would be very sad to be honest.  I’ve prepared myself for the possibilities of miscarriage soon after I was married.  I am an older mother, (I just turned 38 on February 3rd) and I realize the risk for miscarriage is higher in older women.

I didn’t even have a chance to get used to the idea of having another baby, not really.   As soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test, I was already spotting a day later.  It feels like the moment God opened His hands and placed him in my belly… he went right back into the Father’s hands.

What truly makes me sad is that there was in fact a little soul here on earth with me; a real person that “God knew even before he was conceived.”

Jeremiah 1:4  “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.”

Psalm 139:13-16  “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

 

Dear Baby,  I’m sorry I didn’t get the chance to know you.  I wish I could have had a quiet moment with you, to rub my belly and sing you a song; to talk to you a little bit.  I love you, and I know that one day your daddy, your sister, and I will meet you in Heaven.

Dear God, thank you for knowing and loving my child.  “I am sending him back to you, sending my very heart.”  Philemon 1:12