I’m disappointed with myself. I’m not prepared to have a baby. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically ready. I have a wonderful husband. But I have wasted so many years of my life. So much time has been wasted. So much.
I have been at the same job for 11 years. At first, this job was a blessing because it allowed me the flexibility I needed to be a caregiver to my nephew for 10 years. My parent’s are now caring for him, and I finally started college, and plan to get my Bachelor’s degree in Early Childhood Education. I no longer need the convenience of this job. I’m thankful for having a boss that was so understanding with my family issues, but I am also upset that when I leave this job, I will be taking nothing with me. Nothing. No 401k. No retirement fund. Nothing that can roll over to a new job. When I leave, I will have nothing to show for it. It feels like I rented out an apartment for 11 years, and on moving day, I’m leaving with nothing but my belongings. It is so frustrating to have spent 11 years at one job, and it won’t even look impressive on a resume. I refurbish microchips. Who will be impressed by that when I apply for a teaching job?
What is more frustrating, is that since I work full-time, I can only handle 2 classes per semester. I still have so many classes to take. By the time I am finished with all of my required classes (2 per semester), I will have my bachelor’s degree when I am 45! I will be in college for another 9 years, because I only have time to take 2 classes per semester. Just 2 classes is more than enough to keep my life busy with work, class, and studying.
How can I do this all, and have a baby? Something has to give. I can’t wait 9 years to start earning more money. If I find a new job, it has to be a licensed daycare, or preschool that will offer the T.E.A.C.H scholarship. I absolutely need that scholarship to pay for my continuing education at St. Mary of the Woods College. If I don’t get that scholarship, I can’t get my bachelor’s degree, and I NEED that bachelor’s degree to be a teacher. The problem is this: a daycare or preschool job will be a pay cut for me. I can’t afford to have a pay cut for 9 years until I get my bachelor’s degree. Again, this just makes me feel so disappointed in myself. I should have went to college right after high school. I didn’t.
I have no regrets caring for my nephew, and I would do it all over again if I had to. I just don’t understand why my life has been delayed for so long… and now, I am trying to get my life back on schedule all at once. College, career, financial stability, retirement, family, etc.
I can’t do it.
I wish I could figure out a way to legitimately make more money online, for example, through Etsy or Blogging, but I don’t know how to successfully profit in this way. I desperately want to be at home if I have a baby, and still earn money at home. I was born to be a mother, and can’t imagine ever going to work and leaving my infant during the day, everyday. Something has to give.
This looks like it’s gonna be a great film, but by no means do I want to be this woman …
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